One day during a very dark time in my life I was reaching out for help, yes I still stand by this statement even now. I meant well.. In my crazed foggy mind I called a talk show… WAIT!!! STOP LAUGHING, no really. I called Dr. Laura. Ok OK so if you are Unaware who she is, click the link and take a look.
I am a story teller. Its in my blood, its what I do, what I have always done, what i love doing thank you for laughing till you can’t take NO MO!
Ok I was, 6 months pregnant and DESPERATE. I was in the middle of what I thought was the most HORRIFIC time of my ENTIRE existence. No I am not being dramatic, this shit was dramatic and overrated. I mean exactly what I just said. I was in my last year of graduate school of Social work, I owned a home and had a so called good life, I was married to a man with a so called great job, we had kids, we had been married for 8 years. blah-blah-yackety-yack-what the fuck eva!
Then one day he called me, (FUCKIN COWARD), to tell me he wanted to leave, he was unhappy, yeah humm you too?? Dropped it like a bomb and this was my worst nightmare. No, I mean really. This was the moment I dreaded.
Now for some of you, you might think that this is simple, and for you it is, but hang on I just need you to follow me, stay with the story!
I had placed a huge investment of ALL of myself and resources and I was not getting what I thought was fair exchange. Let me tell you I was pissed, at the time, I was trying to get my moneys worth so to speak and recoup the project. Now looking back I think.. oh lawd.. the SIGNS I ignored. OUCH
I had a plan, a plan that I had sacrificed for, a plan that I had given blood, sweat and tears for. A plan that included giving more of myself many times over then I ever knew I had. A heffa learned JUST how tuff and resourceful I was. I have some tenacity I tell you.
I had signed a contracted and I believed in my venture. I had put ALL of my capital into the venture and despite the signs I was a part of the captains crew. I used all my resources and then found more. My issue with the bomb was that I had not seen that he had become my enemy, he was throwing the fuckin BOMBS!!! Yes,that simple.
I do not expect my spouse to become super human and become without faults and perfect at any point of our infinite existence. I am reasonable and sane and lawd knows if anyone looked at me too hard in just the right light and then LACKed some really good training… Well lets just give a cursory warning rite here, yeah maybe not so good, no bueno… Without an eye of discernment and the understanding of determination SLATHERED in hella non-judgement you might mistake me for MANY things that are not considered a child of G0d.. What!!! Im just saying!!! I am!! Know thy self is key
And if your confused let me smooth it out for you. I have sinned, I like it , I do it in multiple ways and I call other fuckers out who do it with me and then try to judge me, GET THE FUCK ON.. NOW, no RIT-NOW… BYE. A person who judges is a person who is lacking empathy and has things to work on. A person with an opinion is a person who is not judging the situation and has NO emotional attachment. I have loads of opinions lol.
ANY WAY Fuck back to Dr. Laura. I was desperate and I wanted to save my marriage so I called this woman. Let me also say that up until this day I had been a HUGE fan of this woman. NO joke. I was in the parking lot of Costco and I was listing to her on the radio and spirit said call. And I did.
I was screened and got through..
And the shit hit the fan. THAT BITCH had the audacity to blame me, YES ME.. I remember how upset I was and how heart broken I felt listening to her talk to me..
Now for those that are ready to leave WAIT just listen to the damn story, SHIT have some patience!
That was almost 4 yeas ago. And today while I was working it popped into my head about that call. I listen to “The Secret” and there is one author that says basically what ever is going on in your life you called it to you. He says something like and I mean I am paraphrasing so please just go with it, “I’m going to be a little up in your face about this” And I had a moment with myself and I took a breath and let go of some more shit.
I want to say Thank you to Dr. Laura! She was RIGHT! That woman told me the damn truth and I was MAD and hurt and EMBARRASSED that someone would blame me for MY unhappiness!!! WTF really?? How fucked up and flawed was I. I am GRATEFUL that the seed was planted because along the way I was doing the work. I have become the person I am because of the moments I created, create and will continue to create.
I was once without knowledge so I did the best I could with what I had. And you know what; THAT WAS GOOD ENOUGH. I don’t give a fuck, my bucket-of-fuckit has long taught me that lesson.
But heres the thing; even though I have always had the bucket, in my pain I chose not to use it. I choose to allow the transition of life to hurt when it was really BEAUTIFUL. I am thankful for the knowledge and being on the other side.
I once struggled with and was diagnosed with :type 2 diabetes(insulin dependent at one time), high blood pressure, high cholesterol, obesity (I was 250lbs and I am 5’3), I was depressed.
My life was falling apart in EVERYway. Everything in me was screaming NOOOOOOOOO! I was on the brink of failing and it was because I was NOT happy. I was not doing the right thing. I was not on the right path. I was not with the right person. I had DISEASES because my body was NOT at ease= dis-ease. I woke up one day and listened. It has taken me the time it took me to learn what I needed to learn. TIME is not important, HOW many issues, How any times, Where or even when.. None of that matters because I got the lesson and Now I win.
For the geeks in you.. imagine this, its simple. LEVELING uP..B! Any gamer any sports person, any geek, you understand the price you pay to become better at your craft. To be at the the top of your game. To strive to reach your goals. That is all my life has been LEVELING UP.
How are you framing your story of life?