I’ve been a place lately where I have found myself needing to be in touch with people and needing attention. That is just not me. I have always been a touch and go type of person. Meaning that I’ll touch grounds with someone because it may have been a while since I’ve seen them or talked to them and then I move on. I had to take a moment to self analyze because this state that I’m in lately has confused me.
I had to come face to face with my past. I’m talking early childhood and earliest memories. I did for the most part grow up in a two parent home. Meaning that my parents stayed married until I was 16. It was crazy though. My mom loved men and her love of men carried her away for weeks and months at a time. She would say “Baby I’m going to the store.” and who knew when we would see her again.
My dad was in the Air Force. He had to be gone a lot and that is when my mom would take the opportunity for her to really live it up. Don’t get me wrong though. She would leave while he was home. My mom was not gonna let anything stand in her way. Unfortunately when she left she forgot to leave us food. Apparently kids don’t need to eat. Right? I remember days of having creamed corn for dinner. Oh and I can’t forget having hamburger patties for a week. When my dad was home at least I could count on that styrofoam takeout carton from the chow hall sitting on the counter waiting for me to warm up and eat in front of the television.
I can remember hitting puberty and not having the necessities to take care of the situation. Nor anyone to explain it to me. I had became the stinky kid on the bus. Let me not even get into when my cycle started and I didn’t even know what the hell it was and hiding my jeans because I thought something was wrong with me.
Anyways, through all of this I had learned to just not care. I could be by myself and be completely happy with myself. The only person that I had ever needed was me. I had been the only one that had looked after me anyways. For me now to need love and attention from someone else is so foreign for me. I’ll have to continue to analyze this but at least I am now able to acknowledge my past and not continue to act as if it never existed.
You’ll probably hear more about this subject because I haven’t figured it out yet.