Warrior vs Shame

Ok y’all, I just typed no prof-reading or changes. Every day I will journal its cathartic!

This is my place to be real. My place to tell you that I too going through the shit.

So I am going to share my life in its rawest and realist dimensions with y’all. Why not I am a warrior not function in shame.

I am dealing with domestic abuse from a partner.
I am a social worker
I am a mother
I am scared and often have panic attacks, often so many I just stopped counting
I am not a punk so despite my “anxiety” I fight to remember the TRUTH

I will not allow FEAR nor SHAME hinder me from my goals.

Oct 21st 2014 I moved to a new state. I had moved from Cali to Okc in Aug 2014 and although I loved it I was in a relationship that had been going on at that point for about a year. We were planning to get married 12/13/14 I moved and things were ok.. But not for long.

Listen this is not a horror story, I made a decision and thats all. By December I saw him for who he was clearly and declined. I spoke with him and we came to an agreement that the business that I came to NY to start would continue and we would remain friends. We continued to sleep in the same home and often the same Cali king bed, it’s only one in the house. We were not enemies.

Jan 21st I left the state and during that time I had to explain to my now ex of over 30 days that I am uncomfortable with your advances and how do we work this out. I am not going to have sex or provide emotional support/love to be safe.

I felt I was being pressured and I wasn’t sure he meant to do it.
I sent an email. He responded and said he understood..

I didn’t understand.
1 hour later the nightmare began and has not stopped.

I have been harassed, he has tried to evict me, he has stolen my identity and tried to sell it to someone to hack, he has used 3rd parties to harass me. He has done every thing BUT hit me and because he has not hit me I am treated as if I am the problem.

I swear if I hear ONE more person say “just leave” “why don’t you move” “he doesn’t have to take care of you” “You’re prolonging this / you’re contributing/THIS IS YOUR FAULT” One moregen Ill scream!!

I am being harassed and he is trying to victimize me. I LIVE HERE. all of my clothing and everything I own in my life resides at this address but because he is MAD I have to suspend my sense of reality and play crazy?

Because we are not married, because I declined, I am at fault?

If this was a business deal instead of my puss, life and body we would not be having this conversation. If I was doing have the things he is doing to me he would lose his mind.

I win. I am a warrior. I am not afraid. I will stand up for my rights as a person equal and covered under the same laws as he is.

I have a order of protection, please don’t ask me about the rude and condescending lawyers, police and other “helping” people that are supposed to assist me. I have contacted several places for assistance but I have no outer scares so I am told I don’t count…

I COUNT. I will not be silent in the face of danger I will not allow anyone to denigrate nor shame me for demanding I am treated with RESPECT.

We will talk tomorrow.. I needed this!

Advertisements

29- Last summer

IMG_0279Last summer( 2013 ) I drove myself, and my 3 kidlets 3000 miles round trip in a seriously eco sized car(its a story you want to hear Ill tell you about it later)  to visit Bd and her family for some summer fun.. I do not have cable.. I have netflix and hulu I pay less than $20 a month for entertainment. So let me tell you that I was STUNNED shitless with the vast amount of info being regurgitated in varying ways through cable TV, now! It’s a info-fuckin-topia! I had cable before but let it go at least 3 year now, so my mind was on a joyous overload.  With the vast amount of info that I was consuming I felt like I was becoming a polarized genius and jack of all trades.

  • I watched season 3 of GOT  I started in the afternoon and well yeah.. I was up until the next Am.. I had about 3 hours of sleep and I was off to the races again.. I had already read the books I wanted to make sure they were keeping to the script.. ummhumm
  • Cooking shows make me giddy with joy. really really
  • the violence and sexual content is extraordinary.. its startling yet enticing.
  • the combination of food and sex has happened on tv in main stream! YES I didn’t miss it! Thank you to the calabo effort of Anthony Bourdain and CNN delic.

But heres the other side to that intoxicating coin! Cable is the devil!!

That fucker is an expensive habit not first but alone that is a reason!! Lets just tip into what a monthly damn cable bill ranges.  $19.99 – $300.00 or more.

Sooooooooo… just for you that are not quick on the math draw (which I am not).. Come with me you will see the bigger picture and you will see what that truly means. …. (imagine and hum Charlie and the Choc Factory Willy wonka 1970’s version as you now re-read above ;0) )

  • 1 year = $239.88 – $3,600
  • 2 years= $ 479.76 -$7,200
  • How about 5years=$1,199.40-$18,000

Here’s the thing. LESSON ALERT.

Now before anyone starts getting mad and crying or making a scene, ,<———YEAH You!!  This is for you!!! It’s ok this is personal and it will be a place to help make you into something new or piss you the fuck off.. either way, Keep reading. ;0)

STOP complaining about shit!

IF you say ANY of the following things or EVEN THINK them

  • Im broke
  • You say “I can’t” more than you can because of “money issues”
  • Money is tight but when is money not tight for you?
  • Bank account is empty or Your over drafter OR Your live on your overdraft YES YOU!!!  WE SEE YOU
  • You eat out every day of the week but have no food at home (Starbucks COUNTS)
  • Any bill is late
  • You don’t have a bill in your name… grrrr really!?!?!
  • You find yourself making groceries by picking up things from friends and families houses.

STOP COMPLAINING if you have fucking ANYTHING in your life that is beyond the necessities and you think, act, or say you have money issues or problems. Trust, cable is just an easy example of something we can touch and understand.

Here’s the thing.. Be brave and substitute cable for clothes, makeup, eating out, sex, drugs, books, a new watch, your hair getting cut every week or being  “done” by anyone that cost on a regular,  your nails and feet, a new gadget or shoes. Anything that is not a necessity to survive is not needed if your complaining. People only complain about things that they can change.

It’s not a sacrifice to not have cable or a big car it is FUCKING PRACTICAL. Think about it!?!?! Can you find a better deal or even an alternative? The answer is YES and without much work or effort! So WTF are you really complaining about and WHY?

This time last year were you complaining about the same shit you are this year?

IMG_2199

21-4 of 10

20140514-203435.jpg

Todays assignment was to make a list of accomplishments, see it’s easy to rub your self up and look all shinny, but after the last 3 days of tearing down and bear bones exposure a gal enjoyed the boost lol
So Jack understood and he asked you to get clear.

First
Break down your life into 3rds
0-15
16-30
31-45
Or how ever old you are shit figure it out, it took me a minute and no I’m not 45 ;0)

Now write down 5 things per period that you accomplished.

We all enjoy the accolades, it made me want more. Changes are not easy but hey neither is enduring the pain.

I had the time to reflect and I found that through it all I’m one kiss ass fucker!!! Now rock on I must!

Go you too! Hell it never hurts to rub one out

7-The bucket…. and no, not the list one..shit!

20140503-085700.jpg

(We had some technical difficulties so this has been revised. We are best friends who live apart about 3000 miles round trip (I (Gg) drove it last summer FUN TiME))

Did I just wake up and find that tornado had went through my house. Yes! It was named ‘To Many Mother Fucking Kids’. Don’t get me wrong, I love all of them but dammit if they don’t fuck shit up!
It’s cool though Fuck It! It’s Saturday and I’m determined to have a good day. No, I’m not gonna clean this shit up and no, I’m not gonna fuss about it. What I am gonna do is walk around this bitch like I don’t see the shit and hope I don’t trip on some of this shit while I’m strutting around this bitch cause I think I’m extra cute today. Fuck it!
Oh if someone happens to show up don’t think for one minute that I’m gonna do a power 10 minute run and clean. My fuck it is way strong today!! You don’t like the way my house looks you can either clean it while I lift my feet up or leave. Either way I don’t care.
Now, I’ve said all of this to tell you about my “fuck it”. Fuck it has brought me a long way in life. I have really low stress levels. I’m able to look at a problem exactly for what it is. Sort out a solution and then say Fuck it. There is no issue that is worth me giving days and weeks of worry to. My ability to say fuck it and to let go has done so many wonderful things for me. I hope you can find your fuck it too.

Bd

 

BREAK

I use to spend gobbles of time, seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, that turned into years with fear. I had 99 things that I worried about, things that could go wrong, things that I thought would destroy me. I panicked on the inside a lot and spent a lot of time with a voice that stopped me from doing anything.

I am _______________. I use to fill that space with a lot of shit, and then one day I learned by example. My best-est of 22+ years throws a lot of fuckit around. I mean we have often agreed to disagree in a lot of things. But what I have learned in invaluable. She has taught me to be BRAVE, to look at the shit and acknowledge it, but not let it move me or change me. I am not the things around me. I am what I say I am.

The mess is not mess it is just an expression of our happiness exploding out and over and if you don’t like it FUCKIT! Change it.

99% of the things I worried about never showed up and for the 1% of shit that did. I got my bucket of fuckit and I applied my shit appropriately. In fact the things I feared the most turned out to be the very things I needed to change my life for the best!

And in that process I learned some shit, ok I learned hella shit!! The most important being that I got this shit and a bucket of fuckit is good in any situation.

Bucket-of-fuckit is meant to be tailored to meet your needs. Try it you will like it.

Gg

20140503-085649.jpg