Warrior vs Shame

Ok y’all, I just typed no prof-reading or changes. Every day I will journal its cathartic!

This is my place to be real. My place to tell you that I too going through the shit.

So I am going to share my life in its rawest and realist dimensions with y’all. Why not I am a warrior not function in shame.

I am dealing with domestic abuse from a partner.
I am a social worker
I am a mother
I am scared and often have panic attacks, often so many I just stopped counting
I am not a punk so despite my “anxiety” I fight to remember the TRUTH

I will not allow FEAR nor SHAME hinder me from my goals.

Oct 21st 2014 I moved to a new state. I had moved from Cali to Okc in Aug 2014 and although I loved it I was in a relationship that had been going on at that point for about a year. We were planning to get married 12/13/14 I moved and things were ok.. But not for long.

Listen this is not a horror story, I made a decision and thats all. By December I saw him for who he was clearly and declined. I spoke with him and we came to an agreement that the business that I came to NY to start would continue and we would remain friends. We continued to sleep in the same home and often the same Cali king bed, it’s only one in the house. We were not enemies.

Jan 21st I left the state and during that time I had to explain to my now ex of over 30 days that I am uncomfortable with your advances and how do we work this out. I am not going to have sex or provide emotional support/love to be safe.

I felt I was being pressured and I wasn’t sure he meant to do it.
I sent an email. He responded and said he understood..

I didn’t understand.
1 hour later the nightmare began and has not stopped.

I have been harassed, he has tried to evict me, he has stolen my identity and tried to sell it to someone to hack, he has used 3rd parties to harass me. He has done every thing BUT hit me and because he has not hit me I am treated as if I am the problem.

I swear if I hear ONE more person say “just leave” “why don’t you move” “he doesn’t have to take care of you” “You’re prolonging this / you’re contributing/THIS IS YOUR FAULT” One moregen Ill scream!!

I am being harassed and he is trying to victimize me. I LIVE HERE. all of my clothing and everything I own in my life resides at this address but because he is MAD I have to suspend my sense of reality and play crazy?

Because we are not married, because I declined, I am at fault?

If this was a business deal instead of my puss, life and body we would not be having this conversation. If I was doing have the things he is doing to me he would lose his mind.

I win. I am a warrior. I am not afraid. I will stand up for my rights as a person equal and covered under the same laws as he is.

I have a order of protection, please don’t ask me about the rude and condescending lawyers, police and other “helping” people that are supposed to assist me. I have contacted several places for assistance but I have no outer scares so I am told I don’t count…

I COUNT. I will not be silent in the face of danger I will not allow anyone to denigrate nor shame me for demanding I am treated with RESPECT.

We will talk tomorrow.. I needed this!